Excuse me, I'm eight months pregnant!

on bounce houses, Planet Earth, and logging off

I find myself, once again, hugely pregnant. I have about a month left, and my body is starting to resist even the simplest of tasks. I haven’t really done anything. During my last pregnancy, I had a fully decorated, carefully designed, lovingly assembled nursery by the middle of my second trimester. Now, I’m a month out, and all I have is a robust Amazon cart and a mostly empty room that causes a vague pinch of stress in my neck. My mind, too, feels creatively blank. I keep waiting for a burst of energy, both for nesting and creation, but it eludes me.

The final weeks up to a birth are strange; time feels hung in suspension. I am falling asleep to ASMR head-scratching videos and have read, feverishly, almost all four of the Elena Ferrante Neapolitan quartet novels. I am subsisting on Cheerios and any leftover cut fruit my son doesn’t eat. I get random lightning rod pains to my groin. I have anxious dreams; I’m peeing and sweating a lot.

Pregnancy is a mystery. I’ve experienced it twice now and still; it boggles the mind. How is there a human in my belly who will go on to have interests, fears, feelings and opinions. Right now, he’s just vibing in the womb, comfortably tethered to me, but his days in the before-place are numbered. I’m about to show him EARTH, in all its horror and glory. So much can go wrong here, earthside. I get so scared when I remember his imminent arrival. My thoughts, especially at night, feel like a black, oozing, worried monolith of goo, staining every nook and cranny of my brain.

But Earth is not all bad, I remind myself, as my toddler reminded me this weekend when he experienced a bounce house for the first time. I wish I could freeze the look on his face when he realized what he beheld. Never have I seen such pure glee, such unencumbered ecstasy. He ran, throwing his body down, laughing when he realized nothing hurt as he fell, eyes aglow. I got sick to my stomach sitting there, in the bouncy house, as it’s not exactly a dream location for a massively pregnant woman, and the baby in my belly, too, probably felt a little unmoored.  Even so – it was worth the nausea to bear witness to his delight.

It's an honor to be the safe, comforting tour guide to these small humans experiencing the planet for the first time. At first, their vision is so blurred, there’s just sound, temperature, hunger, exhaustion. Then, colors, shapes. Then – a rush. Things sharpen into focus. Humans, who adore you! A dog! Dogs! Birds, rabbits! A plane, the sky, flowers, toys, markers, magnets, stairs, books, the ocean, puddles, the sprinkler, the sumptuous blue light of the iPhone! Things I take for granted, I’m reminded, are wonderful. Bubbles! Light switches! The dustpan! As a parent, I think I’ve shown him everything safely I can in his patch of the world. Then, I remember, bounce houses! Soon – I’ll have something new to show my toddler, once again. Baby! Brother! Friend!

I have a lot to do in the coming weeks and months. Quite the to-do list. Prepare for human’s arrival. Keep humans alive.  Keep self from brink of insanity. Hug husband. Wash bottles. Feed baby. Feed toddler. Order things to feed baby and toddler on Instacart. Feed self. Walk dog. Train dog not to piss inside out of defiance due to lack of attention. Continue job as Earth Tour Guide. It’s a lot!

All this to say – these blogs might come a little less frequently for a while. More power to the mommies who vlog their delivery, the mamas who dutifully stay posting. It’s important work they are doing. They are the stewards, the mothers of the Internet, the doers of the lord’s work (content creation!) They are of a tougher breed. I’m logging off, intermittently, but fear not; I will crave your attention and return to regular posting once again. TTFN!